This is not a public journal. There is no theme, agenda, or overall purpose. I need a reason to write and it needs to be well informed. I consider myself an expert in only one subject, my own thoughts. I am reflecting my experiences onto the internet because this seems to make them more beautiful to me, especially when they are idealized and inaccurate. This is not a mirror for me to see myself looking back, nor is it a mirror that reflects a detailed image of myself to others. This page is but a jumble of letters, words, and ideas that will be interpreted differently for each person, including myself. There are no mirrors because these thoughts are directionless, inaccurate, and fuzzy; a vague, splotchy reflection of McKinley.

Monday, October 24, 2011

My Ignorance, My Bliss

Today I saw a movie. I was alone (as usual). Luckily, today is a Monday. On Monday’s  the cost of “taking advantage” of the day isn’t as high as a weekend or holiday. 

Much of my writing never becomes public, I often start writing just to sooth my brain. Here is an except from a Friday night, one when I learned something valuable. 

“I’m alone on a friday night. I have decided not to let the idea of doing something else ruin an already beautiful night. It’s like a day where you beat yourself up for not doing something outside to “take advantage” of the nice weather.  In feeling guilty you successfully ruin something that is already beautiful. I am simply grateful for this night with McKinley and I. I don’t need to feel guilty about what I could be doing.”

The moments that I am alone are the moments that I am most creative. The more time I spend with myself, deciding who I am, the less it matters what other people want me to be.

Thus, on this beautiful Monday night, I packed up my things and headed to the movies by myself. I didn’t think about what I could be doing instead. 

The movie drew me in (it was Source Code for those of you who are wondering). I felt close to the character. He was lonely. He was a hero. At one point (I have to speak vaguely to avoid spoilers) he made everyone around him smile and enjoy one of life’s typically monotonous moments. I felt like I could do that. I left the movie feeling like a hero in the making.

I was superman trapped in McKinley’s body. This thought may be ignorant, but it’s the same type of ignorance that makes you jump out of your seat during a scary movie. The same ignorance that makes you cry at the end of a love story. The same ignorance that makes you feel like watching James Bond makes you more confident and acting like Megan Fox makes you more beautiful. The same ignorance that makes us feel like heroes when all we did was eat a large bowl of popcorn over the span of two hours while some character saved the world. 

Good characters represent ideals. Ideals that seem genuine and reachable. When I relate to a character I feel like I could do what they do. Obviously, not under the same circumstances, but in my own super-hero way. My brain automatically connects the characters actions to aspects of my own life. As I feel like the character I feel removed from my reality. Through the made up storyline, my own problems, my own memories, and my own emotions unravel themselves. 

After it ended I wasn't out of movie-watching mode, so I turned on another one. It's called “walking home from a movie.” In removing myself from the context of daily life and sociality I tried to see people as I would see esteemed characters. I put my head phones in, chose the music for each scene, and watched this beautiful world perform its daily rituals. 

Just as much as I feel close to characters in movies, I felt close to people I don’t know. My own problems, my own emotions, and my own memories all unravelled as I watched multiple characters represent their own story. Here are some of my favorite scenes, let’s see if you can relate.

I saw four couples holding hands while I was at the grocery store. The grocery store playlist was ironically playing “I can’t help falling in love with you.” All of them were smiling.

The woman at the cash register told me I was important with her smile. She told me to have a good night after patiently handling a man’s “deception” with a mis-marked discount. 

I passed the same spot featured in my last post. I always stop. Hope usually gives me a casual hello as I take a deep breath in of what the trees recently exhaled. I didn’t stay long, but Hope followed me home. Sometimes she just won’t leave me alone. 

I saw two kids playing soccer in the street. I appreciated their innocence. They were playing like it was the world cup as both of them imitated the announcer with every move the ball made.

A group of friends was talking at the local bar. They gave me thumbs up as I passed. 

My neighbor took the time to talk to me about my day. She enjoyed the french toast I made for her yesterday. 

My roommate hung out with a pretty girl. She makes him happy. 

Ok, so life isn’t a movie. But sometimes I like to make it feel like one. 

There are heroes everywhere. Maybe that’s why I love movies so much. The characters we love most all do things that we are capable of. I may be ignorant, but seeing people as potential heroes gives me bliss. Bliss that I want to share with the world.