This is not a public journal. There is no theme, agenda, or overall purpose. I need a reason to write and it needs to be well informed. I consider myself an expert in only one subject, my own thoughts. I am reflecting my experiences onto the internet because this seems to make them more beautiful to me, especially when they are idealized and inaccurate. This is not a mirror for me to see myself looking back, nor is it a mirror that reflects a detailed image of myself to others. This page is but a jumble of letters, words, and ideas that will be interpreted differently for each person, including myself. There are no mirrors because these thoughts are directionless, inaccurate, and fuzzy; a vague, splotchy reflection of McKinley.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Pointless Ramble

It’s late, I’m still awake. I should be tired but my eyes won’t close. Is sleepy an emotion? When I feel other emotions, sleepy can’t get to me. Sleepy is weak. Love, nostalgia, sorrow, and joy (among others) are strong. I hold still and try to pull up a black screen. I can’t lose reception with the possible. Re-runs are running on all the other channels. My brain can’t shut down. 

It’s not a bad thing. Usually it’s a good thing to stay up just feeling. God speaks through emotions. 

I was wondering why I haven’t written lately. My inspiration was clouded by a busy mind. Worthwhile things, but busy nonetheless. I miss you keyboard. I miss you bright screen. I miss the spacebar under my thumb. I miss my thoughts coming out in sentences. Thoughts start to make sense with the quiet click of my keyboard. Unfortunately I have to hide a lot. Thoughts are very different in writing, they hide themselves.

I’m afraid that my writing is for me and not for you. But if you are one of the three people that read the crap I write I hope something comes of it. Today I write with no purpose.

I’m back Brazil. It’s good to be here again. I missed you too. This is so different, but today I felt like I was a missionary again. The same spirit. I talked to people who are investigating. I got to play with kids. I ate lunch at a member’s house after church. Then I sat and remembered. So many details came back that I had forgotten. Things I promised never to forget. Then I looked at pictures. Being back here makes me feel like no time has passed, I’m on a mission with no rules. In all reality, I’m always on a mission. This transfer is a little longer than six weeks.

Sometimes life makes sense. It feels linear and has a direction. Everything falls into place. I’m in the right place at the right time. A time that everything fell into place is now. Everything lined up perfectly. Florian√≥polis I’m glad I can call you home until December. 

The emotions I’ll explain another day. When everything falls into place again. When things make sense. For now, I’m just going to enjoy feeling. If you haven’t done it in a while I recommend it. Be nostalgic. Be excited. Don’t let sleepy shut down your beautiful mind